Disclaimer:
Let's get this out of the way...
Yes. This is the notice for you to flip the disc to the other side to continue playing the game. In the case of you anal retentive video game collectors who want to spout ironic bullshit phrases like "Emulation equals masturbation", it means "get off your buttertroll ass and flip the Famicom Disk to the other side." In the case of you ethically impaired emulation pirates, it means "find the setting to make Nestopia/NesterJJJnJ/FCEU or whatever you kids use nowadays continue running the game". Regardless of which category you fall under, you might have already noticed that this screen includes the term "INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!". Before reading, it is strongly suggested that you the reader get the giggles out of your system. It's understandable if you may want to make crude jokes about the context in which the phrase can be interpreted. Some may even choose to ramble about how this portion bypassed Nintendo's censorship gestapo. Whatever path you choose, I ask that you put this aside for just a few minutes. Trust me. There's an actual product once you get pass this portion, and that's what this piece is going to cover, not a silly prompt screen with a swear word.
Right, now let's get down to business.When you take a look at the Famicom Disk System and it's library, you might notice a few things.
One, most of the games sucked.
And two, the games that made their start on the system that didn't suck got translated into cart format at some point anyway.
But let's ignore the stereotypes for just a moment. After all, looked at all the other flopped systems that actually had a decent game or two. 32X had Kolibri and Knuckles Chaotix. Virtual Boy had Wario Cruise. 3DO had a nice adaptation of Samurai Showdown and Street Fighter 2:...some snazzy something Edition. The NGage had... something, I forget. And the game.com had... err... well, you know what? It doesn't matter. Even without the classics that were eventually ported over to cartridge format, the Famicom Disk System was no exception, and Bakutoushi Patton Kun is proof of that.
Bakutoushi Patton Kun, which may or may not translate into "Explosive Fighter Patton", plays a lot like the old tank combat style games during the pre-video game crash days, with a ton of bells and whistles. I'm not exactly sure who Patton Kun is, but I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say it's a wee homage to the great General George S. Patton Jr. I don't think it really matters. If they had called the game Okama Senshi McDiqnibler-Chan, it wouldn't have made a difference. In fact, it may have been edgy enough to keep gamers playing past that goddamn disk-turning prompt.
BPK is a simple game. But if the "casual gaming" craze has taught us anything, it's that simplicity can be the most powerful hook to win over an audience. While it's true that it's a tune up of all the tank games of yore, it still retains the same pick-up-and-play feel that made those game so fun to play to begin with. Although, it should be stressed that Patton-kun is far from a good solo game. Like pretty much any Bomberman game, the real fun is play
ing on multi-player.But before we get into that, let's take a look at the construction mode. Here you, and possibly three other players if you actually have any friends, get to customize your war machine. The idea is to distribute up to 30 attribute points in five categories; tank speed, turn sharpness, firing range, and... er... ARMER. It's all up to you. If you want to make a speed demon, go for it. Some may want to make a typical super defensive behemoth for close ranged attacks. And unlike most games with this kind of setup, some might just want to create a happy well balanced tank. You're free to customize your tank to complement your style. A huge step from the Combat you knew on your old Atari VCS/2600, but nothing that would scare away old fat-pixel fogies.
So let's go ahead and turn that disk on over to Side B and insert it. And let's be reminded of that disclaimer as we do that, shall we? Thanks, fellas.
BPK allows up to four players simultaneously, or if you have no friends, one player pitted against three computer controlled tanks. A bit of a downer is that on multi-player
games, it's not possible to replace any opened slots with a random computer controlled tank. This may very likely be due to programming restraints at the time, but this might have also been a wise choice. Ever played a multi-player game that actually did pit a bot against you and your other human controlled opponents? Yeah, it usually ends up with a temporary alliance between the other players against the AI filler, and then goes into the battle royale amongst friends. So the lack of a fill-in option just kind of eliminates the redundant rituals.So you got your 2-4 tanks ready to blast the everloving crap out of anything that moves. Well, actually, no not quiet everything, but we'll get to that a little later. In the meantime we'll get to some more bells and whistles added to the age old formula. First off, the fact that you have different stats for your tank. You probably saw this coming, but no, this isn't a "one hit and you're out" deal.
Remember that ARMER stat we fooled around with when we were setting attributes? Yep, not too shocking but each tank has an ARMER meter to whittle down until the tank explodes. Nothing revolutionary for its time, but look at what we're comparing...
But it's not over with just a blown up tank. Nope, now you got another pest to take care of. The tank's driver. Offensively, this albino Bic logo wannabe, armed with only a puny handgun to combat against other foot soldiers, isn't too much of a threat at this point as he can be taken care of in one hit. Don't think he's completely defenseless though. He scrambles around the field faster than most tanks (regardless of how many points are placed in the Speed attribute) making him a bitch to get out of the way, especially when you got another tank or two on your keister as well.
In typical 8-bit fashion, just as Mario Bros. evolved to Super Mario Bros., the new spin on the formula includes POWER-UPS POWER-UPS POWER-UPS. We'll get to the rest of those in just a moment, but there's a particular one that I'd like to bring up that strengthen how much a threat those little white pea shooters can be. Once in a while, you'll see a chopper dropping reinforcement tanks. If one of these tanks get occupied by the barefoot soldiers, you got another tank in your way to victory. So yes, it's entirely possible to make a major comeback.
This cute happy "aaaaaah, kawaii-desu!! ^_^" little feller' is a homing shot. Using the D-pad, you can control your blasts for a limited amount of time. Extremely useful on retreating tanks and foot soldiers, but can also backfire and hit you if poorly executed.
This oversized bullet thing is what could be considered a breakthrough shot. It's not really any more powerful than your regular cannon, nor is there much difference in range. It's main use is blast through any destroyable walls in it's path. It's not really useful in a lot of areas, but can be a Hail Mary in stages that are almost entirely blocks that you would otherwise have to blast
through one at a time.This thing that looks like a Bullet Bill from Super Mario that just made a pack with Satan pretty much combines the above two weapons. Not only is it a controllable shot, but destroys any breakable walls in it's wake. Extremely useful and deadly in any pretty much any level.
A bit of a saving grace for those tankless foot soldiers, but not really. You can snag one of these grenades and toss it at a tank with a push of the B button. I don't really know if it completely destroys the target, because these things are a bitch to throw against a tank with it's cannon aimed at you. Don't be a hero, Johnny, just keep running until another plane sends you a backup tank.
I'm not sure what this is supposed to resemble. A funktified hammer? A blowtorch? Maybe a oddly shaped fire extinguisher? I don't know nor do I care. All you really need to know is that it recovers your ARMER meter entirely. It doesn't take a friggin' rocket scientist to tell you how useful this is.
I think these things blow up random tanks or something. I didn't really notice when I came across them. Anyways, there are other little items that you'll come across, and I haven't exactly figured those out. Besides, I'm here to review the game, not write an entire FAQ or instruction manual. You should just play the game and judge for yourself if they're worth figuring out, okay? Okay, time to end this 
There are about 56 levels, each a one screen topological torus. Y'know, like Asteroids where if you move off one edge, you'll appear on the other side? Okay, look, to be honest with you, I tried finding a technical term to explain that and probably failed miserably with "topological torus". Most of my vocabulary consists of four letter words, harsh negative adjectives, and mangled cockney with a barbwire of southern slang wrapped around it all, so do me a favor and cut me some slack this time, I'm trying here, alright? Anyway, like Asteroids, you can easily shoot tanks/foot soldiers on the other side of the screen by blasting at the edge closest to you. Programming limits or just an homage to the recently departed era? I'm not sure, but the results of wonderful mayhem born from the resulting simplistics of this game is a marvel in itself.
Separating itself from it's ancestry, however, are the levels structure and design. You'll have barricades you have to blast through, rivers to treck across, hazards, reflective walls and all that fun mess. Also, for 1988, the graphics of these levels, as well as everything else, are actually really nice. You're bound to find some games from this time of the NES/Famicom's lifespan that looked better, but you're also going to stumble on a lot more that look like ass compared to this, especially if you're comparing the portion of the Famicom Disc System library that never got ported over to cartridge format in one form or another.
In terms of music and sounds, don't expect any sort of masterpieces that deserve any potential covers by The Minibosses or whatever gimmick band is covering overexposed Nintendo game music nowadays (Overclocked Remixers may be able to give it a tune-up though). About all Patton-kun has to offer are about three or four of the same simple midi-tracks. Mind you, early NES games were built on simple midis. In fact, if you're like me, the little dingy tunes tend to share the kind of charm as the score from the first couple of Dragon Warrior (Dragon Quest for you anal retentive pseudo-purist Japanophiles) games. But unlike those themes, the limited and simple tracks tend to be a little too low key after playing it awhile. Not exactly a huge disadvantage, just very simple midis for a simple game. It's actually a fitting score.But if we're going to talk about the cons in this game, let it be known that most of the gripes with Patton-kun can easily be dismissed as minute. The main flaw is that as a single player game, it's rather bland. While the difficulty is adjustable, the computer AI just isn't that much of a challenge no matter what level you have it set to. Rather than just have them set to kill everything that moves, the AI tanks do often decide to team up against you instead of one another. With cheap tactics like that, it's easy to predict that a few players would probably gripe about. Granted that this game was practically made to be a multiplayer game, it leaves much to be desired to anyone wanting a challenge without having to drag friends over or piddle around with organizing a Kaillera session.
Some players may find kind of a strange learning curve in terms of the controlling tanks. It's not too terrible, in fact it's fitting and isn't all that devastating to be honest with you. If you played predecessors of the genre before, you don't exactly have a huge curve to get used to. Newcomers to this style of game, however, may need a few sessions to really catch on.
The final tidbit in the "nitpick flaws" department isn't even really a disadvantage away from being a good game by any means. In fact, it's actually kinda funny. This game has some minor glitches. Dead foot soldiers can be sort of a shield, so to speak. If a hit lands on them, they will of course let out a little "Uuo!!" (displayed in simple Japanese hiragana). However, if you shoot a fallen little guy enough times, he might come back to life. This may be an intentional game mechanic, but if it is, it's certainly a odd one.
Another odd little quirk I came across was one I found while simply messing around. Sometimes if a running soldiers keeps trying to shoot a tank with his puny little handgun, he'll just randomly DIE. Keep in mind, I tried this on a two player game with an idle controller for the tank; the mofo'in albino BiC soldier just fell over and died by continuously shooting at the tank. Maybe a bullet ricocheted on him, I don't know. Point is, I doubt that was intentionally programmed.
So it's got a few glitches. No big deal, it was an age where glitches like these were commonplace and no one seemed to really mind. In fact, it kinda adds to the charm the latter portion of the 8-bit era was; still new, and full of surprises, even if they were a bit strange.
Overall, Bakutoushi Patton Kun is actually a very spiffy little game. Even it's bland, somewhat vacant one-player sessions can be a nice little filler time kill. As a matter of fact, I'm shocked this one didn't get snagged by Nintendo or even one of the big boy publishers, get slightly reworked, ported over to cartridge, and then shipped overseas to give the NES FourScore accessory a game worth buying it for, because I really don't think Super Spike V-Ball really did the trick. Things probably would have worked out better for SoftPro financially if they did, as they didn't exactly go on to make better games. In fact, I think BPK might have been their only one that wasn't painfully mediocre.I'm going to be really pissed if I ever find out that this was one of those games being considered for a US release but didn't make the cut because Nintendo one-man QA department and propaganda comic strip star Howard Phillips didn't like it.
(...review's done, go home.
...
Why are you still here?
sigh... okay fine, here it is again. Happy?)
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